The Three Little Baltics and the Big Bad Russia
by Babyfruitstyles
Summary: The Baltics are fed up with Mr. Russia, so they come up with a plan to escape. Non-AU fairytale-ish fic. Oneshot.


**A/N: I love the Baltics~ X3 and ever since learning that human thigh bones are stronger than concrete, I've thought it would be awesome if the third little pig built his house out of them instead of bricks. Disturbing, but awesome nonetheless.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Hetalia, the Three Little Pigs, nor any country in this world. And no offense intended to anyone who might take offense at the personifications of the countries! ^^'**

**(But seriously. It's Hetalia. Deal with it.)**

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Once upon a time, there were three little Baltic states. Their names were Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia. They lived in the house of Mr. Russia. Lately, however, they had become particularly dissatisfied with the treatment they received there. One day, they decided to hold a meeting.

"I'm particularly dissatisfied with the treatment we receive here," stated Estonia.

Lithuania frowned tiredly. "I don't think there's anything ve can do about it, anyvay..."

"But there must be something!" Estonia exclaimed.

Latvia just sat quietly.

Suddenly, Lithuania's phone rang. "My Little Pony~ I used to wonder what friendship could be~" The state sighed. "Poland..." He picked up the phone.

"Liet~!" came an excited voice, "You'll like never guess what my pony was just-"

"Listen, Poland," Lithuania interrupted, "ve have a problem."

"Like, what?"

"It's...Russia." The Baltic lowered his voice. Even though the master of the house was supposed to be away on business, you could never be too sure. "He's been torturing us more and more lately, but ve can't think of anything to do about it..."

"Well, that's easy. Just run away."

Lithuania's eyes widened. "Oh, no...ve couldn't do that...he'd never let us get avay vith it..."

"Then, like, build a fortress or something that he can't get into. There's like gotta be some building materials around that guy's house."

"I suppose..."

"I mean, like, the worst that could happen is that he'd hunt you down and crush your fort and enslave you for all your life and then kill you 'till you're dead."

"Vhat?!"

"Like, good luck, Liet~!"

Poland hung up.

Lithuania stared at the phone for a few moments, then turned to his companions. "Vell..."

They looked at him questioningly.

"Poland suggests running avay and building shelters...but vould that vork?"

"It...might be worth a try..." ventured Latvia.

Estonia agreed. "It's not like we have any other ideas."

And so, the three little states set about searching for decent building materials. They hadn't much time before Russia returned, so they split up to cover more ground. Mr. Russia's house was full of odds and ends, so it wasn't long before they had gathered the necessary supplies.

After gathering all the building materials, they found a random meadow to build their new houses in and set to work.

The first little pi- I mean, Baltic, built his house out of sunflowers. The second little Baltic built his house out of water pipes. And the third little Baltic built his house out of human thigh bones. He had no idea why there were so many lying around Russia's attic, but they _were_ stronger than concrete, so he figured they'd make good material nonetheless.

It wasn't long before Mr. Russia returned from his business trip.

"Where are my comrades...?" he wondered to himself, looking around the large house. Then, he spotted the three new houses in the random meadow filled with flowers and butterflies that grew right outside. "Oh. They must be doing the playing house."

Latvia, who had been looking out his flowery window, shouted to Lithuania and Estonia in a panic. "He's back! He's coming!"

All three hurriedly closed their windows and locked their doors.

Russia, although he thought the game they were playing was awfully cute, wouldn't stand for joking around while there was work to be done. So he made his way to the meadow.

"These are nice houses," he commented, drawing nearer, "but you can wait until later to play. You haven't yet finished the work I gave you!"

"W-we're not playing," replied Estonia through his house's bony walls. "We've run away."

Russia frowned slightly. Run away? He had thought they were smarter than that. He had chosen them for intelligence, after all.

Disregarding this notion, he walked up to Latvia's window and pulled aside some of the stems. "Latvia, Latvia, let me come in~" he said with his signature teddy bear smile.

"Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin," retorted the state, cowering in the corner, even though he had no hair on his chin. France and Turkey are the only countries that reply even makes sense for, actually...

Russia kept his smile. "Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll let myself in~" With that, he began to munch on the sunflowers woven together to form the wall.

Latvia, now freaked out, wasted no time. He unlatched his back door and fled into Lithuania's house.

Russia noticed that Latvia was no longer in the sunflower house, and so moved on the house of metal. "Lithuania, Lithuania, let me come in~"

"Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin," replied both Lithuania and Latvia, even though neither of them had any hair on their chin.

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll let myself in~" chimed Russia. He began to munch on the pipes forming the door.

"Vhat the heck...?!" Lithuania and Latvia, both panicked, stumbled out the back door and fled into Estonia's house.

Russia walked over to the house of bone. "Estonia, Estonia, let me come in~"

"No," responded Estonia.

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll let myself in~"

Russia tried to eat one of the bones, but he found he couldn't. He tried again. Still no luck.

The normally cheerful country suddenly frowned in annoyance. A low rumble emanated from his throat. "Kolkolkolkolkol..."

That wasn't good. Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia backed up against the far wall, afraid of what the psychotic country might do.

Russia began to climb up the house towards the chimney.

Estonia had heard the story of the Three Little Pigs before. In retrospect, he wondered why he had even built a chimney into his house. It was practically a self-destruct button.

Then, he remembered how the clever little pigs had triumphed over the wolf in the end; they had lit a fire in the fireplace and put a pot of boiling water over it. The wolf had climbed up the side of the house and dropped down through the chimney...directly into the pot of boiling water. He got burnt, ran off, and was never seen again.

It seemed too easy, but he figured it was worth a shot. The third little Baltic hastily informed his companions of this ingenious plan, and, once they had all consented, Lithuania got a large pot, Latvia filled it with water, and Estonia put it in position under the chimney. Just in time.

"Hello, Estonia~!" Russia called down the chimney to Estonia, who quickly backed away from the fire.

He, Lithuania, and Latvia waited.

_SPLASH._

Russia's large form landed heavily in the pot, splashing water onto the hearth. The scalding liquid sizzled on contact with the cold bone.

The three Baltics waited.

Russia smiled.

"I win the game! Should we go home now?"

Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia stood in dumbstruck silence. Shouldn't he be howling in pain by now? The water was hot enough to cook with!

Russia just sat in the pot, smiling happily. "You are being quiet. Is there something wrong?"

The Baltics sighed in defeat. "N-no sir..."

"Then we can go back to my house, da?"

"Yes sir..."

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**Pandora: What kind of an ending is that?!**

**A/N: Be quiet. No one even knows who you are.**

**Pandora: So-rry...*disappears***

**A/N: And they all lived happily ever after! And Mr. Russia was in a good mood, so no one got enslaved and killed until they died! ^^**

**...uh, yeah! Please review~!**


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